The struggle of different parenting and disciplining techniques

Hey there! Hope all is well. Today while we hang out, we’re going to talk about how it can be a struggle for two parents to have different parenting techniques. My husband and I have been together for many years and have three sons together. Even being in the same house, with a lot of the same beliefs and upbringing when we were children, we still have different parenting techniques! I can only imagine how co-parenting is for those that live in separate homes and do not have a healthy relationship, but they still share the responsibility of raising a child or children together. God bless you all!

Let me just put it all out there. Contrary to my stature, being more soft-spoken and quiet, and being an introvert that usually stays to myself, I am the disciplinarian in our home. My husband is very chill and laid-back; in my opinion, he’s sometimes too chill (inserts eye roll). Since the day I gave birth to our twins, honestly, even before they arrived, I knew that I didn’t want spoiled children. I believe having two the first time around pushed the thought of spoiling them even further from my mind, and that helped me to not coddle them. Taking care of a baby is a lot of responsibility, and twins, of course, is double the work. They were fed, their diapers were kept clean and dry, and I did not let them go without anything they needed. However, when it came to crying just because that’s what babies do, I’d sometimes give in to it, and other times I would not. (i.e., holding them, putting them in the bed with me at night, etc.) As they aged, I wanted my kids to know the value of working hard for their desires without expecting things to be handed to them.

Because I only had boys, I believe that made me focus on ensuring that I maintained control over them as they grew up. I hoped that as they matured, they would be wise enough to respect me on their own. Plus, I’m only five feet tall, and I knew they would quickly outgrow me. LOL! While I have always hoped and still pray to this day that my husband and I will grow very old together, I know that decision is not mine alone to make. With that idea, I made sure that my sons always knew that I meant business. While I can play and have a good time with them, they know that there are certain lines we don’t cross. If I ever had to raise them alone, especially during the adolescent years, they understood exactly what I expected of them. Of course, it didn’t help that I was groomed in the early stages of my life by a no-nonsense daddy. My mom is soft-spoken (now you know where that part of me comes from) and didn’t have to chasten my siblings and me very often. Yet, it was daddy’s personality and ways of discipline that I inherited the most.

Now, let’s talk about my sons’ “chill” daddy. He’s very relaxed about most things and isn’t bothered by much. However, if you get into his stuff without permission or do anything to cause problems with his job, side hustle, or anything he feels is severe, then papa bear comes out. Otherwise, disciplining our sons pretty much falls on me. Now, to cut my husband some slack, I will admit that he follows in the footsteps of how his father reprimanded him. His dad also had a relaxed approach, and he had more discussions with him versus inflicting immediate punishment. So just like me, Ejuan disciplines more like his father.

That’s one of the biggest reasons we parent differently. We are all a product of our environment. Most of the time, we repeat what has been modeled to us. Other times, we choose to be different from how we were raised because we had to endure something we didn’t like. Since being little kids and even as young adults, a lot of us proclaimed that we would not raise our children like this, or in that specific way. Depending on how/where you grew up versus your spouse, companion, or the other parent to your child(ren), you may have different perspectives. What you may think is okay may be bothersome to them and vice versa. Because of your different views, you may have a different approach to each situation.

Until next time, I’ll leave you with this…Try to be understanding when your partner corrects the children differently than you do. Remember that you come from different households and possibly have experienced different upbringings. Overall, you should have the same core values. If one of you is teaching something to your child that goes against those values, an intervention may be necessary. Whether that be assistance from a pastor, trustworthy friend, or counselor, it definitely needs to be addressed. However, if the core values remain intact, and there is nothing illegal or immoral about the other parent’s techniques, you need to take a step back and self-evaluate. Their style may not be your way, but it doesn’t mean that it isn’t right or effective. If there is something that bothers you about your partner or significant other’s parenting style, I challenge you to sit down and have a healthy conversation about it. Communicate with one another. Talk, don’t yell, and voice your concerns. It is my prayer that you all will hear the other’s heart and figure out a happy medium.

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