Evolve Together or Grow Apart!

Hey there! Hope all is well. Today I want to hang out and talk about how we change and continue to grow in our marriage. Over the years, circumstances change, our lifestyle changes, and overall, we change. The struggle comes with how we as couples, adapt to the changes.

You ever heard someone make the statement, “We just grew apart.” They parted ways in their marriage or relationship after many, many years together, and they didn’t have any other reason for the separation other than they no longer felt connected. They didn’t have anything in common anymore. Neither was interested in what the other had going on, etc. In my opinion, that’s one of the biggest excuses for everyday people to divorce. It’s very similar to the celebrities’ top reason you hear announced, ‘irreconcilable differences.’ I’m not saying it’s not true because I’ve seen it begin to happen in my life. However, I know that it can be corrected.

The first step is to acknowledge that there is an issue. Even if it seems as simple as we don’t like the same things anymore, that small point can grow into a significant matter that can quickly get out of hand if mishandled. The next step is to begin the work to address the problem. This includes effectively communicating with your spouse so that both of you are aware of the situation. One of you may be concerned with the changes while the other is at ease, whether you are the changing spouse or not.

As we live, we are continually changing. From the way we take care of our bodies, to who we spend time with, and how we choose to be aware of what we eat. There are many reasons why we start shifting and moving in these specific directions. We are becoming wiser as we age, we have experienced illness and even seen death, and across the board, we want to become better individuals. While all of these ways of development are great, sometimes the direction we take to get there may begin to cause conflict with what was previously accepted. There could be a difference in the time we now wake up to hit our workout goals. The cost of food to maintain our healthy lifestyle could start affecting the agreed-upon budget. When there is no discussion about the new changes, especially before they occur, the relationship can begin to go awry.

I have experienced a lot of this in my marriage. At the young age of nineteen, I was a mom and new wife, but I was still clueless about who I was and what my expectations were. At the beginning stages of marriage, the focus was primarily on handling our everyday responsibilities. We went to work to pay our house mortgage, car notes, daycare bill, and other obligations that are part of the adulting package. In between that, we spent our time hanging out as a family and creating memories that sometimes consisted of simple activities. We didn’t have many expectancies, and there were little discussions about how things would flow in the years to come. We just lived from day-to-day.

However, as we matured and exposed ourselves to different ways of thinking, our interests changed. Some of our passions expanded, while others completely vanished. What was exciting at nineteen and twenty-five no longer mattered in our early thirties and even more so today. For some ideas, we changed our course for how we will reach those desires. As our two distinct worlds begin to grow, I noticed a shift in our marriage. Although we’ve been opposites from day one, we shared a lot of the same ideas. There were several things we enjoyed doing together and many places we both dreamt of seeing.

Time began to pass, and I saw my husband and I drifting apart. Both of our interests went in completely separate directions. I realized that we were attempting to support each other for the most part, but there was no authenticity behind it. I’m more vocal in communicating my feelings and will express that, whereas he will not say anything, but his thoughts were written all over his face. Not to mention the careless attitude that accompanied little action. I didn’t want us to become one of ‘those couples,’ so I brought the issue to Ejuan to address it and begin the necessary work to correct it.

We have consistently worked on our marriage, and we have to intentionally control the atmosphere as we evolve with every new level. From career transitions to kids growing up and changes in our hobbies and interests, we choose to genuinely stay involved and informed about what the other is doing.

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With that being said, I’ll leave you with this. Don’t expect your spouse to be into the same things as they were from the beginning. While some interests may remain, many will go away over the years. Please don’t get upset as they change, but instead, I challenge you to ask questions to understand more about their transition and see what you can do to help support their new interests. If their evolution is causing any conflict, maturely discuss the situation until there is a reasonable way to resolve it for both parties. Continue to emerge together, so you’re not faced with growing apart!

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